“Hi Anna, I’ve been watching your tik toks since me and my boyfriend decided to go on a “break up break” we are technically single but still have the commitment to each other in terms of what would be “cheating” in a relationship. we decided to “break up” as we’d tried to do a break before but we couldn’t make proper change because we still had each other i guess, it’s a complicated situation. i know you probably get thousands of dms asking for advice so maybe you won’t even see this. anyway since the “break up break” in October 2022 we have seen each other occasionally, texted almost every day, facetimed and things have been going really well with us and our future was looking promising. i last saw him on the 28th and he told me his dad got diagnosed with cancer and since then they’ve found out it’s terminal. For clarification I never met his dad during the 11 months of our relationship. he’s not text me that much and i feel really pushed away and i don’t know what to do. I’m scared that he won’t want whatever relationship we have at the moment even after all this time we’ve spent trying to work on things after this “break up break” i want to be there for him but at the same time it’s breaking me and i just can’t seem to let him go. it’s a complicated situation especially with his dad’s condition so idk if you could even offer any advice. i know you’re not a free therapist or anything but your bio says dm for advice so i thought i should try to message. even if you don’t reply thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for using your platform to support people like me ❤️. and i’ve just realised i sent this on my dogs instagram account 😭 also for more context i am 19 and he is 20, met each other when we were both 18 in november 2021 and it’s both our first official relationship”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
You are so young. Impossibly young. And, I say this, not to patronize you, but to remind you that everything you’re experiencing right now is very real and difficult and probably pretty scary and would be for someone at my age, much less someone who isn’t legally allowed to drink to this country. Your non-boyfriend’s dad is dying and you’re not sure of where that puts your relationship with your non-boyfriend.
The good news is that the solution is simple, the bad news is that it’s not easy. His dad’s terminal illness has nothing to do with your relationship, as far as my very uneducated opinion goes. You both went on a “break up break” well before his dad was diagnosed with cancer, and the latter fact has only exacerbated the distance between you two, because if there are already cracks in the foundation, inclement weather only deepens them. What you’re calling a “break up break” is, in actuality, just a prolonged, painful, slow way to break up with someone. It is serving neither you nor him.
When I was twenty-seven, I got dumped by my boyfriend who wanted to take me out, after the break up, on a date once a month on the anniversary of the day we met so he could keep me around as an option…and I let him. It sounds really fucked up as I say it out loud now, but in the moment, it made me feel better as he was breaking my heart – because it felt like maybe it wasn’t over, that maybe I didn’t have to let the dream of us being together die. It was a band-aid, left on too long, that allowed the wound to fester instead of heal.
Your non-boyfriend has already told you, if not directly, then at least indirectly, that he does not want you to be there for him. The best thing you can do right now is believe him. He is facing the probability of losing a parent at a very young age, which likely leaves him little bandwidth to deal with his feelings about you. You are facing the probability of losing your first love, which is clouding your ability to see that your first love is usually not your last love. Have the courage to let go, to lose him, so you can find someone who doesn’t make love feel so complicated.
Love,
Your internet hype woman
PS. Your doggos and your photography of them are beautiful. Sometimes mistakes end up making life better than doing everything right.