“If you never read this, that’s ok. I’m almost 27. My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years. The first time I told him I loved him I was 15. We’ve dated on and off for the better part of a decade. When we were 23, he told me I was not the type of woman he’d ever marry. It took my moving across the country after completing my undergraduate degree for him to finally want to commit. We’ve been together since. That comment has always lingered in the back of my head but for me it’s only ever been him. I forgave and we grew. I love him. But, we are at a crossroads again. He says he won’t marry me unless I have kids. I’ve never had that instinct to be a mother. I’m not sure why because I like kids, I just have always had other priorities. I’m a first generation student, currently obtaining my J.D. My career is so important to me. I know there’s more to life and work which is why I’m so conflicted. I feel like neither if I should have to make a concession when it comes to children but I don’t know if I can promise that or warm to the idea. Am I being selfish? Does this make us incompatible? It feels impossible to say goodbye. It also feels like I’m going to have to sacrifice myself to make this work and stay. How do I know if I should let go?”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you’re not being selfish. Wanting a career and possibly not wanting children doesn’t make you a self-centered prick, it just makes you a woman who knows what she values. Time is a finite resource, and while there are some women that do manage to “do it all,” most of us are here holding space in our lives for only a few cards that we trade in and out over time as we determine whether a spade is truly worth more than a heart, or if that’s just what society has told us we should value more.
The bad news is that you will have to sacrifice yourself, or, a piece of it, at least. From where I stand, the question is not so much about wanting children, it’s about a pattern of you making concessions to fit into your partner’s life. Perhaps this was easier when you were twenty-three, untethered to a locale as you moved cross country for a shot at a relationship. But, things are different now. You’re four years older, you’ve furthered your education, your career, and you’ve had more time to realize just how important your professional life is to you and perhaps, how unimportant children are at this current stage.
Your career is a part of your life and so is your partner. From where I stand, unless he is willing to materially change his attitude towards your stance on children, you will either have to sacrifice your career or your partner. I don’t say this because I think choosing to stay with your partner and having children that you may or may not initially want means you must quit your job, but because, like all things in life, nothing comes for free. The women in my life who have illustrious careers also have the means to hire full-time caregivers and have conceded to the fact that, at least Monday-Friday, they will not see their children between the hours of 8:30am-6:00pm. But, the difference between those women and perhaps, what might be you if you choose to have children for the sake of anyone but yourself, is that all these women can’t wait to rush home in time for dinner and bathtime and those precious few hours they get with their kids at the end of the night. While they may love their careers, they love their children more, and, as someone who really loves her career, I know, one day, I will absolutely love my children more. Please do not have children because you can’t bear the thought of leaving your partner or if you think there is even a fraction of a percentage chance you may love your job more than you love your kids. I didn’t grow up with much, but I grew up with parents who, I knew, would drop everything they had and give up every career milestone they’d achieved if it was for my benefit. All kids deserve that.
When I was in my mid-twenties, I got dumped by a guy who, essentially, liked me enough to keep me around as an option but not enough to make me the only option. As I was crying in bed shortly after getting back to my apartment, I remember bargaining with the Universe, God, or whatever deity was listening that all I ever really wanted was a husband and a family, and, if the powers that be would grant me those (and perhaps make my now ex-boyfriend come back to me), I would be willing to give up any and all of my career aspirations. Things always feel more important when we don’t have them. That’s not the say that my husband and my family aren’t the most important things to me, but they’re not the only things that are important. Meeting my husband only made me realize how vital the pursuit of a career, however unconventional that career may be, was to the fulfillment of my life. And, while my stance on children hasn’t changed (someday, not today), I found a partner who also feels similarly on that end. We haven’t made many sacrifices for each other, because we haven’t needed to. It doesn’t feel like a sacrifice when you’re both batting for the same team.
I can’t tell you whether or not you should choose your partner or your career, but what I can tell you is this: that love should not come at the cost of doing what sets your soul on fire. So many of us, including myself, have learned the hard way that the love of another is no replacement for the love we have for ourselves when we’re doing what we love. I hope you don’t have to learn the hard way, and above all, I hope you have the courage to believe that you deserve someone who not only loves you, but also supports your wildest dreams. Maybe it’s not about choosing one or the other, but choosing someone that makes the other possible. And, just remember, even if the decisions that lay before you feel impossible, most of mankind’s greatest accomplishments were once deemed impossible before they were made possible by those who chose to believe.
Love,
Your internet hype woman