“Hi Anna! I found your profile this week, and I was hoping you’d be able to give me some words of wisdom.
I’m a 19 year old Asian trans guy. I just got out of a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend who’s a 24 year old cis white guy. He is VERY successful for his age. He has a lot of money, has two cars, and is in the process of buying a house. He has so many family and friends that love him unconditionally and would do anything for him. Meanwhile, my parents kicked me out at 16 when I came out as trans. I can barely afford to pay for gas for my car, and I don’t have friends.
How do you deal with the fact that life isn’t fair? I hate the fact that he abused me, and he has everything that I want. I know that life isn’t fair, and the world doesn’t revolve around me, but how do I deal with this? Thank you!”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
When I was in middle school, I was bullied by a boy on the playground who, after a day of bullying me for everything from my last name to the shape of my face and every other feature that made me Asian, got to go home to a 4000+ square foot mcmansion on the wealthy side of town to a perfect American family with a dog and a pool table in the basement. I got to go home, after a day of being bullied, to a two-bedroom rental apartment with a creepy communal laundry room in the basement and immigrant parents living paycheck to paycheck who, despite their best efforts, couldn’t protect me from the boy who bullied me on the playground.
When I was twenty-six, I briefly dated a man who so brutally love-bombed me, I ran straight into therapy when our relationship ended. For the duration of our six-week relationship, he relentlessly texted me and led me on until he ghosted me on Valentine’s Day. This man was a powerful media executive and I was a struggling actress at the time, and when things ended, he got to go back to his powerful job in media and I got to go back to being a struggling actress, except now with a crippling case of depression.
From a young age, I’ve realized that life is unfair. That sometimes, people get to be horrible people and go back to a wonderful life after being horrible people. Your ex-boyfriend abused you, but he did not end you. Getting out of bed most mornings was a struggle after the love bomber left me, but I also knew, in the depths of my despair, that this was not how I was going to let my movie end. I was not going to be the girl who got screwed over by a guy, or a girl who got bullied on the playground, and didn’t make something out of it. I went and got my real estate license after that relationship ended, chased down every lead, and made more money than I had ever made in the months that followed. I didn’t travel, I abstained from alcohol, and my own parents didn’t see or hear from me for months while I channeled all my energy into closing as many deals as possible. It was a sacrifice, but the bigger sacrifice would have been letting what someone did to me be the end of me.
Your first job right now is to find a job you like enough that can provide you with some financial stability. It doesn’t need to be your forever job, it just needs to be a job that you’re reasonably confident can make you some money and not make you hate yourself in the process of doing it. Take the next six to eight months and pour yourself into that job. Climb the ranks, chase every opportunity, and don’t be afraid to fall down because you can always stand back up. Once you’re in a place where you can pay your bills, save a little money, and have a little extra spending cash leftover, you can go out and find your people. The ones that won’t disown you for living your truth, and the ones that will become your chosen family rather than the one you were given.
You are going to go out and build your life up, brick by brick, and someday you might look back and realize that the house you’ve built is far grander than the one your ex-boyfriend lives in. You will have built that house because of, and not in spite of, the obstacles you’ve had to overcome. Nothing has fueled me more than the chip on my shoulder and the burning desire within me to prove others wrong, and it’s the reason why I’m living a life beyond my wildest dreams today. Thirty-two years of being the underdog and fighting for a seat at the table only to realize that in the process, I built my own table, and I get to decide who sits there with me. Now, go and build your own table and prove them all wrong.
Your internet hype woman