Someone commented the other day that the only reason I’m a feminist and an advocate for women knowing their worth is because I have a husband, akin to Beyoncé singing “Single Ladies” knowing full well that Jay-Z was at home waiting for her. I’m not here to convince that person otherwise because, really, I’m a firm believer that you can’t convince people into much of anything they don’t want to believe, but what I will say is this: I spent years running around Manhattan in my twenties believing that I didn’t have a choice as a woman, that men had the choice and I had to live with their choices, and in doing so, realized that giving another person full agency of your self-worth is a fast track to getting everything you don’t want.
I remember, in my early twenties, I was driving around my hometown with my mom and told her, point blank, that, “I can really make it work with any guy, it doesn’t matter what kind of person he is, I’m confident in the fact that I can just mold myself into his life and we’ll be happy.” I was not only unironic in my statement, I was proud.
If anything, the last decade has shown me that sometimes, not getting what you want teaches you what you do want, that I’m grateful for the men whose lives I tried to fit into, only to realize that I wasn’t meant to fit into any other life other than my own. I met Dave shortly after I let go of the belief that a man was going to come and fix my life, because I had finally fixed it myself. Some may call that a coincidence, but I don’t believe in coincidences.
I was a feminist before I was married, and, some would say, I’m married to the one of the most secure, confident, and compassionate humans I’ve ever come across because I’m a feminist. It takes a secure man to understand that having a wife who routinely shouts about her failed relationships and angry women things is not a threat to his masculinity. And so today, on this Sunday, I hope you, my biddies, know that you can be a feminist before, during and after marriage. Your relationship status doesn’t define that. You do.
Your internet hype woman
Photography: Megan Niger
I love this post!!!!!! So quotable. “ It takes a secure man to understand that having a wife who routinely shouts about her failed relationships and angry women things is not a threat to his masculinity.”
The scars women have from patriarchy should never be bandaged over/forgotten/quieted just because a woman is in a relationship or married!!!
Anna Kai says
If anything, a healthy marriage/relationship should amplify who you are, even more.
Love this very much<3
Anna Kai says
Kelly Hudson says
Love this. Moving from waiting to be “lucky to be chosen” by “the guy” to choosing yourself. Also, who sort of person is so insecure that they think having a relationship determines your feminism? Ugh.
Anna Kai says
The irony is that once you choose yourself, you tend to attract the right guy who will choose you for exactly who you are, too.
Susan Galle says
Once I came to the realization, during my first marriage, that I didn’t have to mold myself to what someone else liked or believed in order to be desired, my life changed for the better in a very short time. I got 2 fantastic children out of that marriage, but I was done trying to fit into a box of someone else’s specifications and expectations. Fuck that noise.