“Hi Anna, congrats on your wedding! 🤗 can I ask for your advice? I went on a date with a guy this week who came across as genuine but towards the end it was very clear that he only wanted something casual and physical, which isn’t for me. I’m having a hard time dating because men perceive me as this fun girl that likes to travel and is open to new experiences. Also, my youthful face and down to earth demeanor makes me come off as naive and easy. I keep on attracting these guys that come off too strong and are just looking for a fun time.. I’m also living abroad in Italy but work for a tech company and attend a masters program full time so I just wish guys just took me seriously…”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
How anyone perceives you is none of your business, because if you spend your life trying to be the girl who doesn’t like to travel, isn’t open to new experiences, and is high off of her own supply, you’ll spend the entirety of your days living a lie. How youthful or haggard you may or may not look has no bearing on whether a man wants a committed relationship with you or not. Being a stick in the mud who looks twenty years older than her actual age will not convince a man to commit to you. At the end of the day, it’s not your fault.
So much of life is learning how to change what we have the capability to change, and how to let go of what we cannot change. Other people’s perceptions of you, oftentimes, have nothing to do with you, and while you won’t be able to change those perceptions, you can change how you perceive yourself. Biddie, from my highly unqualified viewpoint, it appears that you’ve decided that being a fun girl who likes to travel and is open to new experiences with a youthful face and down to earth demeanor is, somehow, a negative trait. It’s not.
Learn to fall in love with the person you are, because from where I’m standing, the person you are has a lot to offer the right guy who does want a committed relationship with you. You haven’t found him yet, and that’s okay, because, in the meantime, you can learn to love the fuck out of your life. And part of learning to really, truly, deeply love your life and who you are is learning how to let go, as quickly as humanly possible, of the men who don’t serve your needs. Most of the men you meet will not be “the one,” because that’s why it’s called “the one” in the first place. There is only one, at the end of the day, and the sooner you let go of all the men that aren’t him, the sooner you’ll get to meeting him. I hope, in the meantime, that you learn to judge yourself just a little less and love yourself infinitely more.
Love,
Your internet hype woman
Hi Anna, thank you for the insight and great advice 🥲 It’s been a year and I have done anything but truly learned how to freaking love my life and I am just so disappointed in myself.
This year I also met who I thought could be what you described as “the one”. On the day I received your response, I also received an e-mail introducing me to him. Both of which took me but surprised and I wasn’t expecting. I thought nothing of it at the time, until I met him in person and got to know him over time. I really thought he could be my person. He’s perfect and checks all of the boxes on my very long list. He even wants to open up a coffee shop some day like I do haha. I suppressed my feelings because we worked together. But now he’s gone. Well I guess I abruptly left first so it is only fair. When I left the company two months ago, it was not on good terms and I said some terrible things that can’t be taken back. I was so hurt by his actions, but deep down I knew he had the purest of intentions. He just wanted to help me from afar while I continued to engage in self-destructive patterns, albeit in a very questionable way. It bothered me so much. I was already hurting from many things that happened during that period and this only exacerbated it. Maybe I am the cause of my own pain. Instead of recognizing and appreciating his attempts, I chose anger. He tried to understand me, and I didn’t try to understand the intentionality behind his help, even if it was the wrong way of doing it. I chose the path of least resistance and continued to complain rather than taking ownership and changing my behavior. I was just so hurt about the way he went about it even if it came from a good place. I was also full of guilt because I knew he simply didn’t have the time to go out of his way to try to help me. They all didn’t. He continued to have faith in me and I continued to disappoint him. The whole situation is just so complicated, I wish it was easier. Maybe I was the one that complicated everything and for that I am sorry. I was going through a tough period of my life and he tried to be there for me.
He left a cryptic message about a week ago implying that he had feelings for me and is now letting me go. He completely crossed the line to do it. I feel so sad and hurt because he continued his same ways. I guess it is only fair because I hurt and disappointed him too. My stomach is twisted in knots.
I really don’t know what to do or what to think Anna. I am just so lost in my thoughts. I just want to talk to him, to apologize for how I acted and for the all of the terrible things I said, and start over, whatever it takes. Maybe part of life is accepting that there are no do overs and that we just have to learn our lessons and some times that is in the hardest of ways. I’ll really try to follow your advice in the new year, thanks again. 🥺