“* My boyfriends Children drive me mad! HELP!
Hi Anna,
I’ve found so much peace and power reading your advice and found so much relates to much that has gone on (or wrong!) in my relationships, career and the ups and downs of life.
I was looking for a little advice on my current relationship with a wonderful man who has two children from a previous relationship.
To give a little bit of context, I married someone I shouldn’t have in my early twenties and in realising I was worth so much more I built the courage to leave knowing that there was more to life than begging for a man to be the person you want him to be.
Fast forward to now, being wiser to my own wants and desires and self worth I met a man who gives me everything I could want and need emotionally. He’s a wonderful supportive partner and truly gives me everything I had been searching for.
He has two children from his previous long term relationship. Having never dated a man with children, I wasn’t alarmed or afraid by the prospect of this situation, and when the time was right I came to meet them both. Initially I felt very excited by this new relationship and bond but it quickly became very overwhelming and I felt I had bitten off more than I could chew. I barely feel like a responsible adult myself so the prospect of being seen as a ‘parental figure’ scared the crap out of me. When situations got a little tricky ie if one the children were being sassy or having a meltdown or being demanding, I would mentally crumble and just want to get out!
I talked this out with my boyfriend at length and he was very kind about my feelings. He understood this was new territory for me and that children being children, can be difficult and overwhelming at the best of times especially for someone that isn’t a parent. I don’t in any way try to be a parent to them, just a friend. I try not to put too much pressure on myself to be anyone but myself around them.
However as much as I try, I can’t help but feel myself getting frustrated and overwhelmed around them and it’s getting to the point where I dread being in their company. I’m visibly anxious and irritated even before coming into contact with them and I really have to talk myself into relaxing and taking it as it comes.
I have friends who have been in the same situation and they’ve had the same feelings and thoughts so I don’t feel alone when I think sometimes it’s all too much. But I’ve then seen my friends push through this stage and go on to live beautiful blended lives with their partners children and new children in the mix.
I want this too, and hope to have this one day. But every time I’m in their company it seems impossible. I don’t want to throw away my beautiful relationship with this man because I can’t get to grips with his children. But I don’t know how to get over the anxiety, dread and feelings of wanting to hide when I’m in their company.
If you do have the opportunity to read and respond I would be so grateful for any advice! 💋”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
So much of life is knowing what you don’t want as much as what you do want. While I’ve never had children nor dated anyone with children, I do know that this principle applies in other areas that I, perhaps, have more experience in. When I was dating in my twenties, I knew from a fairly young age that I was looking for, plainly speaking, a husband who could support our family even if I had no income, not because I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but because I wanted someone who was as driven as I was to do something other than raise a family. That’s not a dig at stay-at-home-moms or anyone who doesn’t feel the urge to knock down every glass ceiling, it’s just a lifestyle choice. People lead fulfilling lives in many ways, and there is no one right way to live. I also knew that my dogged pursuit of a career in entertainment/media made for a fairly unstable life, and it was important to me that the man I ended up with could provide financial stability for our family. I grew up with immigrant parents who, through no fault of their own, struggled for the vast majority of my childhood to make a living, and I had no desire to replicate that life for my future children.
There were men I dated in my twenties that had many other qualities I was looking for (empathetic, sense of humor, the ability to eat copious amounts of steak with me), but would have had a hard time providing the life I wanted on a single income. Then, of course, there were the men whose storied careers needed no explanation, but lacked in all the areas that money can’t buy. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice one for the other, because the things you tolerate now oftentimes become the things that suffocate your relationship later. While no one is perfect, and more applicably here, no one comes from a perfect family, it’s important to know the difference between which concessions you should and shouldn’t make in a relationship.
I’m not saying you need to leave your amazing boyfriend who has shown you the type of kindness and love that we should all hope to experience, but what you need to understand is that your relationship with your boyfriend doesn’t exist in a vacuum – it is an irrefutable fact that dating him means having his children in your life. There is, certainly, a world that exists in which you give yourself a predetermined amount of time to see if his kids give you less of a panic attack and find out that you are, indeed, a kickass de facto step mom. But there is also a strong possibility that, even after, say, six months or a year, you feel no less anxiety every time they’re around. Neither you nor I know which path is yours until you get there, but what I do know is that your relationship has no future if you feel like you’re sacrificing your sanity for it.
In the meantime, give yourself and your relationship the gift of time and understand that the passing of time isn’t always enjoyable. You likely have and will go through many uncomfortable moments in your life, some may be unbearable, some may be tolerable albeit unpleasant, and some may be that feeling of dread you get when you’re around his children. These are all moments that must be lived in order to discover your truth, whether it’s settling into a life with your boyfriend and one day, becoming a de facto stepmom, or it’s leaving him knowing that, try as you might, you just can’t be the stepmom his kids deserve and he can’t be the childless partner you deserve. Sometimes, things only feel impossible because we haven’t lived through all the possibilities yet. Instead of telling yourself that this situation feels impossible next time you’re with them, perhaps remind yourself that you are living just one possibility – trying it on for size and seeing if that possibility grows with you. If it doesn’t, I hope you have the courage to walk away to find another possibility that does.
Love,
Your internet hype woman
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