“Hi! I know you’re super busy but if you have time I’d love some advice. I just broke up with my boyfriend and I am devastated. He had everything I thought I was looking for in a partner; funny, loving, caring, smart etc but something just felt off and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Even in the breakup he was so understanding and it’s making me feel like a horrible person and that I’ve made the wrong decision even though for months I have been trying to figure out if I should break up or not so surely it was the right choice?
I am so confused and upset and completely overwhelmed because I could still see a future but some part of me also thinks I could be happier.
Any advice on what the hell I should do?”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
Just because he’s a good guy, doesn’t mean he’s the right guy. You don’t need to be able to “put your finger on it” or ascribe a neat definition to your feelings, because if I’ve learned anything from my twenties, it’s that if any small part of you was second-guessing the relationship, that small part will only grow into a larger part later on. Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t need to be Voldemort, or, more realistically, an even halfway bad guy in order for him to not be the right guy. He can be a good guy, maybe one of the best, and at the end of the day, still not be for you.
When I was in high school, I left my loving, funny, cute, kind boyfriend for a guy who played guitar. It didn’t last long with guitar guy, if that’s of any surprise, but what I realized, many years later, was that I needed to leave my loving, funny, cute, kind boyfriend to go figure out who the fuck I was so I could become less of an insecure ass to the man who would one day become my husband. To be clear, I’m not calling you an insecure ass, and you may very well know who you are and what you want. At the very least, it’s obvious to me that you know what you don’t want, even if it’s not obvious to you, yet. I often think that people know the right thing to do, they just have a hard time doing the right thing when it’s not the easy thing. The easy thing for you would’ve been to stay with your funny, loving, caring, smart boyfriend. It would’ve been comfortable, it would’ve been safe, and maybe you would’ve been mostly happy. But, to quote the film, My Dinner with Andre, “comfort can lull you into a dangerous tranquility.”
Don’t trade the life or the man of your dreams for the illusion of comfort, and know that even if you mostly wanted to stay, but a small, nagging part of you wanted to leave, that small, nagging part is reason enough. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you a person who wants something else, even if you don’t quite know what that something else is just yet. One day, you’ll be able to put your finger on why it didn’t work out, but only if you allow yourself the opportunity to walk into that day rather than anchoring yourself into the past.
Love,
Your internet hype woman
This is literally my exact situation right now, and I’ve been searching high and low for some sort of answers or reassurance. Even my therapist told me I was letting go of a good man because of some “[insert my name] Reasoning,” which made me feel judged, and doubt my intuition. Thank you for sharing this!!!
I think it’s perhaps time you find a new therapist. My experience with therapy is that a capable therapist should guide you towards your answer, not his/hers. Trust yourself, above all.
I worry about this only because I have a child; it makes it harder to walk away from a decent sound guy.
There is a fine line in this situation, and without further context, it would be irresponsible of me to advise you one way or the other, especially given that there’s a child involved. In any case, I hope you know that ultimately, the answer lies with you.
I’m not familiar with the backstory – the nice boyfriend you left in high school is your husband now? Or you just needed that time to prepare yourself for the right person (who is someone completely different)?
Either way, love the advice!
Very much the latter – I didn’t marry the high school boyfriend, he very much deserved better and I probably deserved the ensuing years of chaos after our relationship ended because there were some things I was only going to learn the hard way.
I honestly needed to hear this. I’ve been having a battle with myself as to why I left my good boyfriend and if I made the wrong choice. But in truth I was comfortable and was scared I might not find love again if I left such a great man.
Sometimes being scared is more important than being comfortable. Love doesn’t exist in one person, it’s all around, and most importantly, it’s within you. Loving your truth will always be a greater love than being loved by someone who is not for you.
I’m going through this as well. Been with my boyfriend for three years, but for the past year I felt something shift and I spend everyday trying to figure out whether I should break up with him or not. He’s a great person overall… supportive of my career aspirations (mostly), has never cheated, is emotionally available, loves me more than anything, makes me laugh, and is such a people person.
Something feels so wrong though, to the point where I don’t want to ever be intimate and when we do I cry the entire time (he doesn’t know this). I’m terrified to end it because I’m scared I’ll look back and realize that he’s the best thing to ever happen to me and I’ll never find anyone else. I found a part of me that is light-hearted and gleeful with him, and I am scared I won’t find that again without him.
I feel like I’m crazy and feel ungrateful, but I just feel so wrong. Sometimes after we spend time together I feel so happy and then remember the weird feelings I have about the relationship and go back into confusion.
I’ve been struggling with this for the past year, and I don’t know what to do. What if I never feel satisfied in a relationship and always have these doubts?
Chloe, I feel for you. I’m in a similar position with a relationship of 14 years. He’s an incredible man, a good man, someone I was deeply in love with for 13.5 years. We grew into adulthood together. This year I’ve changed. What I want is different. This isn’t enough for me. This doubt has taken hold. There are happy moments; we’re still best friends. But I’m not in love anymore. And I’m tortured by uncertainty. Will it pass and we’ll be right again? If I try harder, as he is trying some, can we fix it? Or is this the end? What if I never find a relationship that has made me feel so comfortable and secure? Someone who knows me so deeply and accepts me unconditionally?
What did you end up doing? Hope has it been for you?
Seeking reassurance.