I hope this message finds you well. First and foremost, I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for the insightful content you create on your YouTube channel. Your videos have offered me valuable perspectives on various aspects of life, and your recent video on “Does Money Matter in a Relationship?” struck a chord with me.
Allow me to share my own situation, and I would be truly appreciative if you could offer your thoughts on it. I am a 22-year-old woman who has been in a loving relationship with my boyfriend (23 years old) for over five years now. This year brought about a significant change in our relationship as he had to take up a job that led to us becoming a long-distance couple. Despite the challenges, we’ve managed to maintain our bond and support each other.
One of the qualities I greatly admire in my boyfriend is his strong sense of filial duty. He comes from a family that hasn’t been well-off financially, and he willingly extends a helping hand to his parents, even to the extent of covering substantial bills (sometimes up to $10,000) without hesitation. His selflessness and commitment to his family have always resonated deeply with me, as I believe such qualities are integral in a life partner.
However, my concerns lie in the potential long-term implications of this dynamic. As our relationship progresses, I find myself contemplating the effect his financial obligations to his parents might have on our future together. For instance, he has expressed hesitance in investing significant sums of money in property, citing the need to keep a substantial amount saved for potential financial assistance to his parents. While I wholeheartedly respect his values, I also worry that this cycle of financial dependency might continue indefinitely, potentially impacting our life together.
Furthermore, I’ve observed that his parents’ poor financial decisions seem to influence his own financial choices, leading to a series of decisions that might not be in his best interest. This situation has been magnified now that we’re in a long-distance relationship, with many of the tasks he used to handle for his family falling onto my shoulders. From assisting with technological issues to helping extended family members with visa applications, the burden has grown considerable.
I grapple with mixed emotions, as I truly love my boyfriend and wish to support him. However, I am finding it increasingly challenging to maintain my enthusiasm for his family’s situation. It’s difficult for me to admit, but I’m struggling to reconcile the idea that if I were to marry him, I would also be embracing the complexities of his family’s financial dynamics.
I value your perspective and advice immensely, and I’m uncertain about how to initiate a conversation with my boyfriend regarding these concerns. I don’t want to compromise his values, yet I believe open communication is crucial for us to navigate these challenges together.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I would be incredibly grateful for any insights or suggestions you might have to offer. Your guidance would mean the world to me as I navigate this juncture in my relationship.
Wishing you all the best and looking forward to your continued inspiring content.”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
Families can be beautiful, but families can also be really fucked up. If there is anything I have learned from the last five years of being with my then-boyfriend and now husband, it’s the utter truth in the notion that you not only marry the person, but the family that the person came from. Regardless of how strong your relationship is with your boyfriend, it will inevitably fray at the seams of his financial responsibilities to his family if you don’t come to an agreement on how to navigate your future together.
I could be wrong here, but perhaps what you fear is not initiating the conversation, but where the conversation will lead. You’re not wrong to not want the responsibility of caring for his parents, financially or otherwise, just as he’s not wrong for wanting to take on that responsibility. I suggest you start off broaching the subject with what you have so eloquently expressed to me already and then, the hard part: accept the fact that his family will be your burden and/or your joy forever if you choose to marry him.
The truth is, even if your boyfriend agrees to draw some boundaries with his family for the sake of your relationship, his family is who they are, he loves them, and if they were to go bankrupt tomorrow, he would bail them out and, at the very least, ensure they have a place to live and food to eat. While it’s possible that a conversation with your boyfriend could educate him on how to better manage his finances than what he was taught growing up, it’s too late for his parents. You will not change the fact that they are financially irresponsible and have come to depend on their son.
I don’t say this to be uninspiring, but to hopefully emphasize the truth you already know so you can make an educated decision on whether or not his family is a dealbreaker for you. There is still time to leave, if you choose to, regardless of how much it would break your heart to do so. The bigger heartbreak would be to marry into a family whom you view as more of a burden than an addition to your life. The love you have for each other may be strong, but rarely can love survive under the crushing weight of reality when the bills start to pile up and you can’t agree with your partner on how to pay for them. So much of a successful relationship lies not in how much money a couple has, but whether or not they agree on how to spend it. And, like most conversations about money, we’re not really talking about money, we’re talking about values. Your boyfriend may value providing financial assistance to his parents over owning real estate, and you’re not a bad person if you don’t share those values, it just means you’re not the right person for him and vice versa. You will not change his family, that much is clear, the question now becomes whether you can change how you view them enough to stay in this relationship. Whatever conclusion you come to, I hope you have the courage to ask for what you want, even if it means asking for a different person.
Your internet hype woman