“Hi Anna, I’ve been following your tiktok a while and just started following you here. I’m going through a really rough patch with my bf who just turned ex. Time and again, he had trust issues and turned them on me when I never gave him a reason to. Long story short, on 2 occasions he gave me ultimatums that say cut this guy friend out of your life or we’re done, another being let me see your phone or we’re done. Apart from trust issues he’s a really great partner and guy so in a world where these issues doesn’t exist, all will be good. But we’re not in that world isn’t it. Please lmk what you’d advice xx I stood tall on the boundaries I set and never agreed to the ultimatums because I believe rs should not be about ultimatums, never. But it hurts that I lost my best friend and I just told him if I see some change, we can maybe get back together but until then, I can agree to stay in my lane and not date anyone else and we be exclusive still as long as he is (and he’s good with keeping his word on this front aka loyal) but we both have an out card (if one of us decide at any point we dont want to continue waiting, we let the other know). Now I’m in a state of limbo cos we are broken up but we’re still together but we’re not?? It’s sucks and I’m losing a lot of sleep literally over this”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
Trust is the foundation of every relationship, if you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. It doesn’t matter whether you’re giving your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend good reason to trust or not trust you, the reality is, he doesn’t trust you, and that much is clear. It doesn’t matter that he’s a really great partner aside from the fact that he clearly doesn’t trust you, and it doesn’t matter that he’s your best friend, because trust is the foundation of all of these things, and if you don’t have that from him, the rest of it really doesn’t matter.
When you’re building a house, you start with the foundation. Builders pour concrete foundation walls between 8″-10″ thick before they start doing, literally, anything else, because the rest of the house is built on that foundation. Without a solid foundation, they can’t build those gourmet kitchens with the custom cabinets and the fancy stainless steel appliances that everyone wants. Even if they tried, the gourmet kitchen with the custom cabinets and the fancy stainless steel appliances would topple over and fall into itself. All of the reasons why your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend is a great partner and your best friend is that gourmet kitchen that you so desperately want to love, but don’t have the foundation of trust to support it on. As a result, your relationship is toppling over and falling into itself and you have no idea what TF is going on.
I dated a guy for a month in my early twenties who was not and never became my boyfriend. It was so early on in my twenties that I hadn’t yet committed to not casually hooking up with guys who weren’t my boyfriend, and so therefore, I was physically and mentally free to do so. Yet, I didn’t. It took me a while to figure out why I didn’t want to hook up with him, despite his efforts and despite the fact that I was still in the phase of my life where I thought casual hookups equated empowerment.
I didn’t trust him. There are moments in life where you can feel something even if you can’t put it into words, and I couldn’t quite put it into words why I didn’t trust him, but I could feel it. The rest of it doesn’t matter, and though I could spend the next few sentences explaining to you why I was right to not trust him, I think both of our time is better spent this way: by realizing that your relationship isn’t much of a relationship at all and in acknowledging that painful, but necessary truth, you’re taking the first step towards finding a man, one day, who will trust you. Until then, move the freak on because not only do you deserve a man who trusts you, but you also deserve sleep.
Your internet hype woman