“Hey Anna…coming across your page was like a breath of fresh air. In your opinion…is “home” a physical place as much as it’s a state of mind? my husband and I have moved quite a bit…and culturally, I’m struggling to integrate in our new home. this place is beautiful but, I miss New York more than anything. is being successful (relative definition) truly about who you know? What would professional Anna recommend to a new mom, lost in a confederate state?”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
I was born in Michigan to the daughter of Chinese immigrants, raised in suburban Philadelphia until I was eighteen, moved to New York City for college, and didn’t leave until I was close to thirty for Connecticut. I have found beauty and ugliness in every single place I’ve lived, and I’ve tried on personalities like I try on clothes on those days when “I have nothing to wear.”
I hated my first year in New York, because despite the fact that I thought moving to the big city was going to solve all my problems, I had never felt more alone. I was away from family, my close-knit group of childhood friends, the cocoon of my high school halls, and most importantly, I was stripped of the knowledge of who I was without being in the place that made me who I was. And, despite the fact that I could have transferred to a school closer to my hometown with a culture that perhaps reflected the one that I was accustomed to, I stayed, mostly because I’m too stubborn to quit much of anything, for better or for worse.
The eleven years I spent in NYC making bad decisions, and occasionally some good ones, made me who I am today. As someone with a multi-cultural background who has always struggled with a true sense of identity and belonging no matter the locale, I’ve realized that integration isn’t the goal, and that maybe, for you, it’s about redefining what a “confederate state” can mean as your new home.
It takes time to build relationships, friendships, and a sense of home, just like it took time for you to find a boyfriend, date him, marry him, and start building your family together. If there is anything that I’ve learned over my thirty-two years, it’s that those of us who are blessed to have a family of any kind are always blessed with a home. You may not feel like you fit in when you leave your front door step, but I hope you feel a sense of of belonging when you sit at the dining table with your husband or kiss your child goodnight. Until you find your people (the ones that don’t live with you), you can take comfort in the fact that at least two of your people will always be at home, waiting for you.
As for success – I can only say that it does matter who you know, but not always in the way you may think it matters. I’ve always been allergic to the notion of “networking” because how disingenuous it feels – this concept that as a human being, I’m supposed to walk around a party and cozy up to the next person who I think can do something for my career. I’ve managed, so far, to carve out a life where I didn’t rely on one person to “get me in the door”, and yet, I’ve relied on so many people at the same time. I owe my career to my parents, my husband, the people who didn’t want to work with me, the people who did, and everyone in between. Go out and make friends, not because you hope that they can do something for you, but because human beings are social creatures and to deny ourselves of our ability to connect is to deny one of our most basic instincts. In any case, I’ve often found that it’s the most surprising people who ultimately help you find the path you’re meant to be on.
I don’t know what you believe in, but as I look back at my life so far, I know I believe in the unknown. I owe all that I have today to every single seemingly wrong turn, poor decision, and failed relationship – they were stepping stones at the time, I just couldn’t see it, and maybe it’ll just take some time for you to see where your new home will lead you next, confederacy or not.
Love,
Your internet hype woman
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