“Hi my boyfriend just broke up with me. We had moved in together, he came from Denver to Seattle to be here. This man lasted a WEEK got mad because i didn’t like to cook or clean. Meanwhile he’s paying 2% of the very expensive rent and complaining that despite having at least 3 meals a day and always a clean home (bc I love Postmates and have had housekeepers since I was born) I somehow was still the issue. He left me and were only together for a few months but it really really hurts. I came across your account on TikTok a few months ago and while I enjoyed your videos I didn’t really pay attention until now, and I wanted to say I regret not watching more, sooner. Your advice and your attitude have been such a comforting and helpful factor in my breakup. You’re like the big sister Ive always wanted. So thank you so much for your content and please keep doing what you’re doing.”
My Dearest Bad Biddie,
I’m at it again with the unsolicited advice since you didn’t ask me a question, but here’s a thought: what if you stopped beating yourself up for loving him, wholly and unconditionally, for “only…a few months”? Because it’s never just a few months, or really, any length of time, it’s the fantasy they sell us for however long we have with them.
I once dated a man, let’s call him Chad, for a month and a half, who left me so utterly depressed when he left that I questioned my own sanity. See, Chad had spent all day, everyday, texting me for a month and a half, and ended up ghosting me on Valentine’s Day. There’s a bit more to the story, but for our intents and purposes here, that’s all you need to know – that I had gone from being love bombed to being love starved in the span of six weeks. Although I ultimately ended up in therapy to sort out my own personal demons (and trust me, I had more than a few), I ended up realizing that making excuses for why we shouldn’t feel a certain way when a relationship ends is a surefire way to ensure we continue feeling that way. Chad had sold me a bill of goods and then left me to pick up the pieces when he decided he had used what he needed of me. I was justified in how I felt, and it took a really long time for me to come to that realization instead of beating myself up for allowing myself to fall in so deeply. You were/are justified in feeling really really hurt. He moved across several state lines to be with you – what person wouldn’t read into that and think that maybe, this time, it was the end-all-be-all? That maybe he wouldn’t leave, that maybe you’d get your fairytale ending, that maybe he’d learn to STFO and be grateful for paying 2% of the actual monthly rent in one of the most expensive cities in the country.
But, ultimately, he was an ungrateful prick who not only took advantage of you financially, but also emotionally. Please see my post on Gaslighting 101 and understand that much of it applies to your ex-boyfriend. You were never the issue, my dear biddie, and by owning any of this sh*t he put on you, you are taking ownership of something that is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for someone else mistreating you and you are justified in feeling all kinds of hurt. One day, your ex-boyfriend will be just another douchebag you dated in your #youngwildandfree years, but until then, let yourself feel sad, angry, and hurt, because eventually, those are the feelings that will allow you to feel joy in its purest sense.
Your internet hype woman
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